1. Look at the exterior of your house. Understand how much work actually needs to be done. Then realize how much you don’t want to be the one to do it.
2. Drive to the paint store for supplies.
3. Gather up all the paint, brushes, tarps and any other tools needed to complete the job. Have the store charge it to your corporate account- “Amalgamated Painters”. Doesn’t matter if this company doesn’t really exist. There is always an Amalgamated “something” out there, somewhere to bill all kind of stuff to.
4. Find a child, preferably one smart enough to fake tears and one who accepts candy or loose change for bribes.
5. Go to a place where mostly, young and strong men gather. Coffee houses work best, but bagel shops and diners are also quite good. Make sure that there is no alcohol involved or the project will never get completed.
6. Have previously mentioned child, enter this establishment- crying their eyes out. At this point you can improvise your own verbage. I prefer “Can someone please help me? My Daddy lost his job at the mill (Hopefully, no listeners will catch on that there is no actual mill anywhere near there. But, it sounds really sad) Our house needs work, its falling apart. I just wanted it painted, something to make my Daddy happy”.
7. At this point, you should have some concerned men line up willing to help. Make sure you had given the child your address beforehand and not the address of someone else. This mistake turned ugly to a buddy of mine who gave out the address of his neighbor, who has aluminum siding on their house.
8. Have all the supplies on your front lawn waiting for whoever shows up.
9. To guarantee that the job gets done efficiently and quickly, provide as much caffeine-based refreshments beforehand to the painters. Their are a wide variety of things to choose from. I had Espresso cupcakes and Megabull energy drinks prepared for my crew. My entire house was painted by three guys in under ninety minutes.
9. Once the house is complete, limp back out of your house to thank whoever showed up to do the job. Don’t forgot to bandage your foot or whatever other appendage you want to say is broken.
10. Sit in your favorite chair afterwards and binge a show, enjoying your freshly painted house.
July Writing Prompts – Espresso cupcakes – Day 13/31